Most first posts of blogs all sound the same: I just want to record my thoughts for the world to see, I have heaps of pent-up rage and emotion inside of me, I need some accountability to hold me to a certain goal. I am sick of seeing post after post of people with good intentions not following through. I, too, have started blogs and failed to keep up with them.
My aim is none of these.
I acknowledge my imperfections both as a writer and a general possessor of discipline. I have failed to do the things that I promised myself that I would do daily, both for my health, my husband, my God, and my future. I will continue to fail, and I will be honest about those shortcomings.
But I will try not to fail.
This morning was a bit of a revelation: I was meaner than normal to my poor husband who woke up late of no fault of his own, I forgot to plug in the toaster oven to make my veggie sausage (which, of course, the timer still works, making me think it is plugged in). The sausage ended up making me feel very sick to my stomach until I drank some tea while I read from Matthew chapter 1: the story of the genealogy and birth of Christ. It was here that I was overwhelmed with the side of the story usually overlooked: that of Joseph.
Joseph was faced with the unthinkable: his fiancee (in these times, more seriously considered than most modern engagements today) becomes pregnant. Unfaithfulness during the betrothal period was punishable by stoning to death, and in the eyes of the community, it would have been what Mary deserved: it was, to them, justice. However, Joseph resolved to divorce her quietly, as it is likely that she would not have been seen as legally unfaithful, but merely promiscuous, if the pregnancy came out after their divorce. Immoral, but not as life-threatening, I guess. But Joseph heard from the Lord that he should accept Mary, and the child, as his own: and so he did.
What a man of faith, Joseph, and a man of outstanding character. Not only does he exhibit immense amounts of integrity, but extreme devotion to following the call of the Lord, even when it would be highly difficult and, at times, embarrassing. I tried to imagine myself in his shoes: accepting that the Lord impregnated Mary, holding fast to her while the community looked down on them in shame. Chapter 1 even states that they did not "know one another" until after the birth of Jesus: yet, Joseph helped Mary give birth to Him, having never performed marriage's most intimate act with her himself. I could not imagine what faith, integrity, and strength of character it took to be Joseph.
I realized that I am incredibly far from the woman of faith that I have so often dreamt of being, or maybe even have been at times. I have lost much of my sense of discipline, I rarely read anything of substance, and my prayers have regressed to those of children. I haven't practiced yoga in months, my eating habits are happenstance, and I have fallen into a type of complacency that I didn't know could exist. I can only dream of having the faith of David at this point, yet I know that faith the size of a mustard seed will move the mountains. It's time for a change; for hope, for discipline, for health- in the name of Love.
I feel like I do need to set tangible goals for myself, even though I know that they are lofty at this point:
-Start my day off with prayer and scripture meditation.
-At some point during the day, spend at least fifteen minutes on the mat! Hopefully more!
-Eat better in general, but work on cutting out the eggs and cheese. More salad. More tea!
-Be reading a book at all times. And actually reading daily, not just sitting by the bed.
-Pray over Matt in the morning.
-Allow the Lord to transform me. Be sensitive to His callings.
This morning:
-4 cups of black/mate/rooibos blend tea
-2 veggie sausages and a cranberry mint cookie
-10 minutes of yoga, mostly sat in downdog for a while
-Listening to the Lord as I start this journey. May He lead and humble me. Amen.
